Denial and Shock, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression, Loneliness, Acceptance, Hope
Participating in Social/Cultural Rituals, Utilizing Support Systems, Sticking to a Routine, Expressing your Feelings, Remembering and Honoring the Deceased
What Not to Do
How Counseling Can Help
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A sudden, unexpected death of someone we
know affects us all. It is usually an intense experience
that has an impact in a multitude of
ways. We may feel shock, anger and sadness.
We often have thoughts that deal with questions
like, why and why now? In addition, we
may behave in unusual ways like avoiding normal
activities and have sleep disturbances and/or appetite loss.
Coping involves usually dealing with a grief
reaction that can be slow and painful, and varies
from individual to individual. Grief brings with
it feelings of sadness, anger, yearning, and confusion
that can be overwhelming. People express
and deal with feelings in very different
ways. Some cry and talk about it; some hold it
in; and some avoid these difficult emotions.
Depending on how close we are with the individual,
these feelings can be quite intense. All of
these are normal reactions to an abnormal
event. Grief is a process that needs to be
worked through to get to a place of healthy
acceptance, remembrance, and eventually moving
on with one’s life.
Typically, people experience many of the following as part of the grieving process:
Denial and Shock: Initially one may
find it very difficult to accept a sudden death.
One may deny it, refuse to believe it, or is
shocked at the reality of death. This usually
passes as one begins to share with others and
express feelings about the death.
Anger: Sometimes grief is mixed up with
anger. The person may feel anger at the unfairness
of life, anger at the person for not trying
hard enough, or anger at others for not doing
enough to help. All of this anger is normal and
part of the grief reaction and needs to be
worked through.
Bargaining: Many people bargain with God or a
higher power. They may wish to relinquish an enjoyable
aspect of their life in an effort to have the person<
back in their lives.
Guilt: One may feel guilty for what one did or did
not do prior to the loss. People also sometimes experience
guilt for surviving and having a healthy enjoyable
life. Others experience guilt and feel disloyal
for moving on. Accepting one’s humanness is an important
step in letting go of the guilt. It is also important
to remember that making new connections and
moving on does not mean that one is abandoning the
memories and thoughts of the loved one, but that
survival means moving on to new tasks and demands
of life.
Depression: There may be intense feelings of
loss that makes people experience mood fluctuations,
sadness, despair, and difficulty functioning as usual.
Feeling stronger takes time and can be a painful and
slow process.
Loneliness: There can be many reminders of
our loss, and adjusting to little everyday tasks and
routines of life can be difficult. Time will help with
the transition needed to cope with daily living, work,
and social life to accommodate for the absence.
Acceptance: Slowly resuming life tasks like
attending classes, looking for jobs, renewing old connections,
and creating new goals are all hugely important
in coming to terms with the loss. Acceptance
does not mean happiness, just acknowledging and
living with the reality of the loss.
Hope: Eventually, through support and resilience,
most people do reach a stage where the memories are
less painful and one can feel motivated about the future.
Helping yourself get through the grief process
There are things that you can do to help yourself or
someone else get through this process.
Participating in Social/Cultural Rituals
Cultural practices, such as prayer, memorial services,
engaging in family traditions, and speaking with respected
community leaders, can help in the healing
process. These practices have tremendous wisdom in
acknowledging, expressing, and coping with grief
and loss. Participating in these practices can help one
express one’s sorrow but also allow oneself to be
helped by others through their comfort and support.
It helps alleviate the feeling of being alone in one’s
grief. It also opens up ways to think about accepting
the loss and making meaning of life and death.
Utilizing Support Systems
Sharing the loss with family and friends may bring a
new sense of connection and gradual diminishing of
the pain. Talking, sharing, crying, remembering are
all very important ways of recovering from grief.
They also help to reduce the feeling of loneliness
that death often brings with it.
Sticking to a Routine
Staying with a schedule even when you do not feel
like it helps provide structure and maintains a sense
of normalcy.
Expressing your Feelings
Talking to others about your feelings can be extremely
powerful. Also, writing, music, and art to
express yourself can be meaningful in the healing
process.
Remembering and Honoring the Deceased
Creating rituals to commemorate birthdays or anniversaries are an important way to stay connected with the deceased. It can also bring togetherness and
support in sharing memories of the person.
What Not to Do:
• Do not make huge life changes impulsively.
• Do not numb yourself with excessive alcohol or drugs.
• Do not isolate yourself from others.
• D o not expect that your difficult feelings will disappear quickly
• Do not be hard on yourself; healing takes time.
How Counseling Can Help
Counseling can help in allowing you to receive support
from someone who is trained to help with the grief process.
Talking in a counseling setting allows one to make
sense of one’s reactions, thoughts, and feelings. Often
figuring out strategies to cope better can be very useful.
Sometimes people feel guilty burdening their family and
friends and find it easier to share their feelings of anger,
guilt, and sadness with someone who is not part of their social network.
Sometimes grief can be so intense that it may create disruptions
and difficulties in your life. One may have persistent
or severe problems with sleep, appetite, motivation,
concentration, and interest in various social activities.
Sometimes the feelings of loss can be so intense that one
may think they cannot go on any more. Such feelings of
despair can lead one to think about suicide. If you are having
any such difficulties, a consultation with a mental
health counselor is crucial. Working through the many
feelings surrounding the death of someone close is vital to
moving on. No matter how difficult it feels, it is important
to remember that grief can be overcome and most people
do go on to live full and happy lives again.
